I’ve been open and/or polyam for more than a decade and have done some reading on it! Some folks have reached out to me asking for my recommendations about books and other resources about polyam.
This is a living guide and I’ll be adding more to it as I find more good resources and have more time to think more deeply about each resource. These are not affiliate links and I’ll make sure to declare any conflicts of interest if any arise.
If you have any suggestions or feedback, please feel free to email me at err@errataca.com.
– E
This one isn’t a good introduction to polyam, but it’s required reading for anyone interested. Takes an Attachment-Theory lens and trauma-informed look at polyamory. Really great to do as a book group.
Good for polyam newbies and folks opening up a relationship. Covers a lot of the same topics as the other books. Feels somewhat “surface level” sometimes.
Less about an existing couple opening up. Very hippy. Must buy 3rd ed (earlier versions contained some -isms). As a milennial, sometimes feels like it’s for and from an earlier generation of polyam folks. Covers topics deeply, focuses a lot on sexuality.
Good intro book for folks opening up an existing monogamous relationship. Good personal stories. Feels very similar to Open Deeply and The Ethical Slut but in my opinion goes deeper and has better insights. Some caveats (see footnote).
Good for couples opening up, G and I read this one 10 years ago when we first started. I don’t remember much of it but apparently it worked. Need to read it again in order to give it a real rating.
“A how-not-to manual as much as a how-to”. A memoir by a woman in an unhealthy nonmonogamous relationship. Excellent writing, occasionally steamy. Talks about dom/sub, abuse, swingers, eating disorders, and more. Very real - and a solid resource on identifying abusive traits in relationships.
But I like them anyway and they’ve helped inform my Polyam journey
Takes a look at masculinity through a lens of “what systems exist that create toxic men” and then offers approaches and perspectives to counter those systems. Really recommended for men (specifically, those raised as masculine) who are interested in doing work to approach polyamory from a nontoxic space. Really good approach to toxic masculinity that blames systems and not individuals.
Specifically naming nurturance culture as the opposite of rape culture, this book deep dives on how to be a nuturing presence in others’ lives. It contains essays and conversations about those essays, and is a quick read. Great choice for book groups.
Talks about vaginal sexuality and arousal, although many of the lessons are applicable to folks of all genders. Talks a bit about the physical act and a LOT about the mental states that allow people to get aroused.
A delightful, quick read about sexuality through the lens of therapy. Talks about the lasting effects of bad or no sex education. Covers attachment theory as it relates to sex and relationships. Poly friendly, but not poly focused.
Talks a lot about the nuts and bolts of polyam. Doesn’t spend a lot of time talking about sex, focuses much more on feelings and relationships which I find useful if slightly less fun. Also has a thriving Patreon Discord community (that I’m part of). Esp recommend learning about Triforce and RADAR. They’ve also published some books which I haven’t yet reviewed.
Individual stories and interviews with polyam folk. (Featured a childhood friend of mine recently which was interesting!) Less about “how to” and more about “how did”. Sometimes feels too long or not applicable but it’s always great to hear about people.
I’m not going to give these ratings since they’re always evolving, but here are some accounts that I follow on insta that focus on polyam/enm content. Presented in no particular order.
G is a huge Remodeled Love fan and I’ve enjoyed the content that she’s forwarded me from them! They’ve published some books, including one on polyamorous parenting, that I have yet to read and review. Also does OF, but that’s not the main thrust (lol) of the content.
Not only is this the most opinionated polyam/enm content that I’ve found (and I mean that as a compliment), their delivery and production quality is great. A real focus on deconstructing heirarchical polyam and antiracist work.
These are books or other media that have been recommended to me but that I haven’t gotten around to yet!
For More than Two (and this is why there’s no rating), you should read the book with a very large grain of salt - one of the authors was later named as an abuser. The other co-author specifically called out in a 2019 blog post that the book reinforces the idea of just “pushing through” a painful relationship as a harmful remnant of that abuse. Reading that article and the linked article by Inês Rôlo are great resources for understanding one manifestation of abuse in polyam relationships and how a lot of polyam literature - including books I’m recommending here - expects readers to be neurotypical and able to identify abuse. I think there’s still some useful material in the book and I found it very readable, but Open Deeply may cover the same material without this caveat.